FOUND: The Soul of a Writer w/ New Chapters

I guess I have been gone for a little while. My body and soul went through a life experience and came out cleansed on the other side. The life experience started 17 years ago with hope and, admittedly, some excitement toward the top of a corporate ladder. I sit here now, mindful of the emotional journey I went through over those 17 years, the way I felt with its end, and how I feel now, looking at the future. 

I was laid off from a life I was sold was the best path in life. Good grades, school, a good job, and the rest will take care of itself. I was not stellar with the grades part, though; that was due more to a lack of interest and an intense hatred of homework. Honestly, looking back on that now, that should have been a lesson I took away from what kind of corporate drone I would be. Corporate jobs, when you're an individual contributor, are basically being assigned homework all the time. Spoilers?

I did all the schooling and got a degree in what I thought was a stable field of work and morphed myself into one of the cogs that make the gears of the Western world function. Honestly, my jobs were usually well-paid relative to my age group. There is a premium that comes with working in the corporate world, and no one ever asks what of ourselves we're selling to get that premium. Expectations and Salary are certainly discussed, but the folds and ridges that make our soul unique and interesting are slowly sanded and buffed away by another day of commuting, followed by another corporate meeting and another robotic boss making KPI-justified, non-human decisions. All these forces work on the outward appearance of the soul while the needs of the stakeholders hollow out the soul from the inside. The stresses of life and living play their own part, but I give life the benefit of the doubt. There is give and take in life whereas there is only take when working corporate. The motivation to ensure the largest possible year-end bonus is so strong in corporate work that money loses the benefit of the doubt. It is the contract we make with the corporate devil, and it has its own price.

August of 2023 rolls around, and I find myself laid off from the only work life I have ever known. Looking for a new job in the corporate life I was so desperate not to be part of anymore was itself soul-crushing. I found myself with time to write my fiction words. The new internal struggle was the regret of not doing more of my fiction writing sooner, so rather than starting a writing career at this point in my life, I could have had a writing career waiting for me. 

The downward spiral continued as the reality of bills grew by the day, and the job search returned little to no prospects. We would be okay for 4-6 months, but if you've spent a day in your life not sure where your next meal is coming from, you will never forget that feeling and how it looms as part of your life’s shadow. The regret of actions not taken in my past, combined with the stress of living today, eventually sucked the creativity out of my fingers. 

Writing plans fall apart, creative flow is lost, and consecutive days of missed words snowball into making you feel exponentially worse. And why am I feeling this way? Because of a job and the lifestyle, I was sold as a kid that had dumped me out with a severance package and a “good luck”. 

I sit here today, employed once more, and I am no longer part of the corporate machine. I work for a non-profit that helps people. My skills can be used for the direct betterment of others and not for a more efficient combined ratio or the bottom line of an investor presentation. My soul has been cleansed of the constant drumbeat of the dollar. A mindless beat that doesn't care. A mindless beat driven by good people turned into a Borg of bonus-motivated drones. 

I'm at a point in life where spending time on the residue of my past isn't healthy for my future, nor does it make me feel better. Reflection is a useful tool when sorting out the lessons we can take from a lived experience. 

The lesson I take for myself is that life should be about growth into health and happiness. As the body ages, we are prevented from doing the same physical and mental tasks we were able to do the day before. Physical well-being feeds the body and the mind to do their tasks when we ask them to do our tasks. The decisions we make in pursuit of life should include a question. How does this thing I am about to take on aid in my health or happiness? You might go for the low-hanging fruit and say that more money makes all these things easier. This is true, but there are caveats that come along with that. I'm not going to take this essay down the value of money discussion, let's save that for another day. Suffice it to say that we need more reasons than just money when we are making our choices in life. 

The lesson I offer to a young person is to take the time to follow whimsy while keeping a foot in reality. What are the practicalities of life that NEED to be covered? Health Care is the quickest reference for me this morning. No one tells you the daily cost of being an adult, and I'm not sure I could tell you now how much it takes for me to exist in my life as I've set it up. I can tell you how much my health insurance costs me on a daily basis. I spend 13 minutes of every working day working for my health benefits. 

This sucks, right? Who wants to know this sort of information? The tax man, for one. Any dependents you might have, and you should want to know this. Stay as healthy as possible for as long as possible, and get the help you need when you need it. But, ew, real life, how boring. Back to whimsy.

It is my job and the job of adults around you to help you find what you love. When you find that, take the time to understand what living a life based on that passion looks like. These days, I can read interviews about authors and how they go about their day. I can do the math, and I can mimic the routines. Find what works for me and consider if the passion I have is real and sustainable or more of a hobby. I watch a lot of farming on YouTube, and I've recently learned that building up certain farms from scratch requires taking on second or third jobs to earn the cash flow that allows the farm to grow. 

I'm not sure how we've structured society to prepare anyone for what life is like. I feel like there is an assumption that it will all work out, and everyone will find their spot. The amount of active preparation I feel I should have had access to as a kid was lacking. I could blame society, my parents, and my schooling. I could blame a long list of nouns, but like the money-motivated drones of the corporate world, I think most people are good people who get pulled into the miasma, and once you're in the cloud, it's difficult to see a way out. 

In my case, I was shown a door, and thankfully, I landed on my feet. I recognize many people are not this lucky to land on their feet in the same way. I hope that sharing my perspective over the coming days, months, and years will help us learn together how to better prepare ourselves for the choices we have ahead. 

I am ok. I am back, and I am looking forward to getting back into the routine with you. 

Cheers, CHR ;)